Ok, so it can be so totally annoying to some people to read constantly wonderful things about my Life. But I have to say, from where I've come to where I am, Life is good. The god is good to me and I am trying to be a good person and do good things for myself, my family and humanity.

This time of year has always been so very difficult for me. I know a lot of soldiers who have returned from Iraq with severe PTSD. I have never been to war in a foreign country, but I fought for most of my life a war that left me just as battle scarred as a soldier.

Only in my late 20's and now in my 30's am I able to live my life. Before these last two years, someone else was in control of my life. Now I am in control, at least taking control. For the first time, I was in the kitchen cooking for tomorrow, and I did not have a panic attack. My children and I made a nice dessert to take to my friends house tomorrow together and I enjoyed it. The holidays have always been so hard for me. From mid October to about the first of the year, I am a mess. But not this year. I did have to go see my Dr for help this year because it was starting off really bad. And I was determined not to allow this to control me anymore. So he gave me something for my anxiety. It is really helping a lot so far.

I hate that I have to have help to make it through the holidays. It should be a special time of year, but it's not. When I was a child, I was able to hide for hours, all day usually, out in the woods behind my house in the spring, summer and part of the fall. I learned at a very early age what out of sight, out of mind meant. I tried very hard to stay invisible, but Michigan winters are no joke (at least not when I was a kid. I do not know what they are like now), and I had to spend a lot more time in the house around my father during the late fall and winter months.

I can recall very clearly hiding outside in the middle of winter in the woodpile, covered by a tarp, praying that I would just die in the cold. I wanted to die. I would have rather died then to go in that house and let him touch me again.

So yeah, this time is so very difficult for me, but I am working on it. He does not have that power over me any longer. I have a beautiful family, wonderful friends, a support system that I wish everyone could have, and some belief in myself that I am not sure where it came from, but I sure am not going to question it. I am truly blessed. I am so thankful for it all. All of it. The good and the bad. I would never have known what good was if I had not experienced the bad. I feel like I have only just begun to live my life. Like I have been asleep all these years. Or is it I was in a cocoon and have transformed into a butterfly who has finally spread her wings?

Some wars are fought by the littlest warriors.
These little warriors suffer long after the battle is done.
I was a little warrior.
I will suffer no longer.
The war is over and I have won.

Twila Paris sang a song years ago called "The Warrior is a Child" and while I am not a Christian by any stretch of the imagination, her words qualify for my battle cry.

I love you.
Pass it on.